So, I have been single going on 5 years at the end of October. Thinking about it, that's a long time... When the baby daddy and me got together back in the beginnings of 2005, everything felt different. Instead of going on and on about our up's and downs throughout our relationship lets just say love lost. Somewhere in 2007 there was a huge disconnect between the two of us. We both had a hand in it. Nearing the end of that year I decided to play a game. Say I am moving out of state (my mom had moved the year before). My thoughts were if I could just get him to say that he wanted me to stay, then I just knew he wanted to be with me. Knowing that we're both stubborn, I should have known that wouldn't work. So I bought my plane ticket.
It was real. I was moving across the country. But still, I wanted him to say he wanted me to stay. It would only be a plane ticket to come back after a week or two with the family. It still didn't work. So we argued a billion times, and finally in October we broke it off.
Out of anger I went and did things that I shouldn't have done a couple weeks after the break up. Btw, never do things out of anger...it's almost the same as making drunk decisions. But regardless, I couldn't get my ex out of my mind. I still wanted us to work. But I began to get really sick in December....sick enough to lose 20 lbs in a week. The ex tried to doctor me up....how sweet, right? What he chose to do with his life meant nothing to me, I was so in love. So I knew eventually he would say what I had been wanting him to say. It was coming, I just knew it! But nope, he never said it. I gave up.
I was still sick, so I went to the dreaded ER. After a few hours there...."you're pregnant" came out of the nurses mouth. After a few more hours and being transferred to the maternity ward I learned that I was two months pregnant with a floating bean in my belly. Tears. Tears. Tears. More tears, and a talk from one of the sweetest nurses ever, love was not lost. Love was found. Something clicked in my brain. I needed to fix my life and the way I thought about things.
The next day I told him. And that's when he said it. He said what I was wanting to hear for so many months! But, my decision was made. I needed to do what I felt was right for my bean. I needed to make things right for my little floating bean. The difference in lifestyle chooses between him and I made a huuuuuge impact. The whole pregnancy without him hurt so much. I wanted to say eff what I feel is right and do what society feel is right. I wanted to cave in to the emptiness I felt when I moved 2000+ miles away from him. But I needed to stay away. I had to. And we argued a lot more.
I wondered how it would impact Desi as she got older. Would she resent me? As of now, at 4 years old, she is perfectly fine. She loves her dad and little sister! No amount of miles would change that. But what happens from here is up to him. I've completely given up on any kind of relationship between him and I since the last argument.
Positivity has come out of the move....I am doing great in school and I am raising a respectful, smart, funny, and beautiful little girl. I actually haven't felt this good about myself in quite some time!
And lets not forget the totally awesome friends I have met! When things go awry I also have a shoulder to cry on.
Yesterday my bestie Morgi picked up Desi and me to go swimming in her backyard....which is the Delta. Me and large bodies of water don't mix, but I jumped in and stayed in for probably thirty minutes....although I was freaked out a little bit. But little Miss Desi stayed in for nearly three hours.
The experiences we've had here are some we wouldn't have ever had in KY. I regret nothing. And I've learned a lot about myself, being a grown up, and what it means to sacrifice as a parent.
