So, I 'be been needing to write for a few weeks now. Since the last time, my mom has spent nearly a week in the hospital, and is needing around the clock attention. To see my, pretty young, mom in the state that she's in is very difficult. I considered her to be a little judgmental and opinionated, but I absolutely loved to just be under her. See, I am the youngest of four girls. All of my sisters moved out while I was still fairly young, so it was just my mom and I for a while. I have always been a momma's girl. Now we are unable to hold a real conversation with her.
I deal with it the way that I deal with it. I am very reserved and I keep my emotions to myself. My sister view this as me "living life as if everything is normal," but it's just how I handle it. My sister's and I rotate caring for her, and we all work and/or taking classes. I already feel like I am not home enough during the week, and I was trying to get my girl out and to the park as much as possible on the weekends, but now it seems like my sisters are looking at all the decisions I make through a microscope. I had a play date last Saturday and a birthday dinner that night, and then the following Sunday I had lunch with a friend who is going away to college. I then had work Monday morning, and my sister was so mad at me because I could do the 4am-11am shift with my mom. So then, of course, I feel bad for the play date, dinner, and lunch I attended over the weekend. I feel like everything I say and do are being analyzed and critiqued because they feel like I am not doing enough. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I am having a very hard time working out my emotions, because generally they are all over the place. Most days I just want to sit in my room and away from everyone.
I already needed to work on my patience with my girl, but now I am extremely short. I don't know how school is going to work out for me next semester, or the next year. I am wanting to move back KY (we all are moving back except one of my sister's and her daughter, so my mom can be close to the rest of our family) in December and try to get into the University for spring. I really want to finish school as soon as possible so I can provide a secure life for my daughter, but one of my sisters think it's a selfish move on my part. I just don't know. No matter what I do, it just wont be good enough.
I am so worried about school and finishing and getting a job so I can provide a good life to my girl, but I am now feeling heartless for thinking about myself and what I want/need to do for me and my daughter because my sister told me that she felt like I was being selfish. There's so much going on, and my mom's health declined so fast that I just can't really comprehend it all. I am becoming super stressed and a little depressed. I just want to get away from everyone. I want to pick up my baby and just leave. I really want to disconnect and try to get my thoughts and emotions in order, but it's hard with school and motherhood.
I am trying to look at everything through a positive eye. I know it will all fall into place and work it's way out, as long as I ma not just sitting on my butt, but I just don't know when this will happen. And that's what I am afraid of....the unknown.
Love.
