On the Road Again

As a single mother, heck, as a mother or parent in general, we tend to lose ourselves sometime during our journey.  But thinking about it, I never really had a sense of self.  I have always found myself trying to figure out where I fit in, where I belong. After giving birth to my baby girl I picked up....wait for it....FEAR! I once lived my life just day by day, and really didn't care.  Now that I care, I get so caught up in the "What if this doesn't work out?!" mentality. This is something that applies to all aspects of my life...one aspect that is most applies to is my dating life, or lack thereof.  As I was encouraging my friend to get out there and meet new people she stopped me in my tracks. I knew what was coming. All I could say was "I know, I know." I don't put myself out there, I am well aware.  Many of my friends try to encourage me to put myself out there, though. From online dating (something I just don't think I could take seriously, although many of my friends met their husbands online.) to just getting all prettified and getting out of the house. But that's the problem, that's where I lost myself. I have never been the 'get all dressed up' type, but I was never the 't-shirt and blue jeans' type either.  And that is exactly who I've become. I am the momma you see out with her kid who is all fancy, but she's wearing a Target v-neck and jeans.

I am so afraid of meeting someone, getting serious, introducing him to Desi, and then something happens and we go our separate ways. And what if this happens several times? I just don't wan't to have too many men coming in and out of her life. Don't get me wrong, I will never introduce her to some ol' Joe Schmoe, but I know stuff happens and people grow apart or just don't work out. *See, you get a glimpse of how my crazy brain works.* 

Instead of being a crazy chick, I an going to try not to think about the "what if's" and just go with the flow.  In all aspects of life, it's very important to have a plan, but dwelling on tomorrow causes more stress than what it's worth.  

It's a new day, right? The first step is recognizing and admitting your problem, right?! But I know I'm not alone, so if you are one of those parents who have lost yourself when the kid(s) came about, take some time out of your day and do something you love. Find the true you! You can be you as well as being a great parent!

**Here's to some soul searching and finding me, and leaving the fear behind!**

Welcome to my Pity Party

You know when you want...better yet, NEED to cry? I call it The Great Release (Although that sounds wrong on some many different levels.)!!!  

Lately I have been in this slump. I don't want to go to work or school. I just want to sit in my room and sulk in sorrow.  I have been super stressed, and I have been thinking way too much! The good ole' "I should have..." kind of thinking.  Today was/is the day I just want to walk away.  

I am an extreme procrastinator, and with my slump it was beyond extreme procrastination. So I studied for a test last night and early this morning. I got to class and knew how to solve quite a few problems. But I had to leave class early. I emailed the instructor, and he actually emailed me back shortly after and said I failed the test, and getting an 'A' in the course is probably not going to happen. Considering that I AM a math major trying to get into Berkeley, it was like "hearing" that my pet died. It's my own fault. Even with having to leave early I should have worked faster. I would have taken a "C" and been okay with that. 

I have so much to do within the next couple of months, and I HAVE to have a car by May. Considering that I don't make much money, that may a wee bit difficult, but I will make it work. I have to go to all these workshops to prepare for transfer and research schools for my girl just in case we move. I am hoping to hear back about this internship that I applied for, also. 

It's time for me to remember why I do this....

Desi deserves soooooo much more than I had growing up! I need to suck it up...it's life. It gets stressful! And no one is perfect. That is something I must pound into my head. No one is perfect, no matter how much some people try to act as if they are. If I can't be strong for myself, I HAVE to be strong for her! I have to present my strength to her so she can grow to be a strong young lady.

Speaking of procrastination, I just remembered that I need to go and get my best a birthday gift! Her birthday is tomorrow.....

Shopping and self reflection is in order!

Son of a TWITCH!!

For a week now my eye has been twitching. It's driving me absolutely insane! I've been told to eat bananas, maybe the 4 or 5 I ate LAST weekend wasn't good enough. A few people mentioned that it could be stressed related. My first response was "I am not stressed." But that's a lie...

Everyday when I get home, my room is trashed. Sharing a room with a 4 year old is no fun! I just got home and legos were everywhere! So yes, my stress level is a little up there. The girl starts her first day of her last year of preschool on Monday. *tear* I am going to clean and organize her toys, so we shouldn't have any issues with toys everywhere once she starts school. And I think it's definitely time for a small chore chart. The realization of my BABY growing up is somewhat stressful, too.

Wednesday I sent my resume in for an internship....I am praying that works out! It requires a commute, but it will be an amazing experience if I get it! I also have to do my TAG application....it's a transfer agreement with one of the UC's...and I need to start working on my personal statements for all the other universities I am applying to. I also need to work on scholarships. So yep, I am a wee bit stressed.

I think I am about to pick up meditation. Wuuuuuuuuuu Saaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Straight forward!

Sometimes I wake up and think "Wow, I ruined my life." Not because I had a child, because she is the reason why I live, but because of the OTHER decisions I've made. Choosing a guy over school was the most ridiculous thing ever. I definitely created a detour in my life. I wasn't focused at all. Didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to be, and could care less at that point in my life. I was solely focused on one thing, and that was a guy.

My family is extremely awesome though, I pretty much always have a baby sitter. When I need them, they have my back, always. So technically I'm not completely alone in this. But I am so ready for that next step in my life! The point where I move out....The day when complete independence hits. Although, I don't expect it to be walk in the park.

The point of this isn't to really be a negative Nancy, but to get a point across...Haha.

As a single mom, life can be extremely stressful at times! *You know, I don't see how people can work soooo much and spend little time with their children. Cuddle time and kissies are very important to me.* Anywho, I am spending a lot less time at school and more time home this semester. I do think its helped my girl's behavior a little and sometimes she seems to still get separation anxiety or something. She's told my mom and I several times that she don't want me to go to work or school. :( But you know, considering the 100% financial responsibility that I have over her and my semi shopping addiction I have to what I have to do.

Sometimes I get stressed, overwhelmed, and sad....I get all of the above thoughts in my head...but then I think about our future. Where I want to be in a few years. I think about the life I want to provide Desi. The example I want to set for her.

My point? I know I am not the only single momma, or parent in general that gets stressed out, overwhelmed, and depressed. We will have our days, it's inevitable. But remember why you work so hard! Look at what you have accomplished, not what you could have or should have accomplished. Never get down on the things you could/should have done, but put your energy into the things you can do...what you WILL do!

And always follow your heart and listen to your instinct.