Happy Twenty-Thirteen!!!!!!

On this day five years ago I made a HUGE decision. It was probably best decision I have ever made. It was a beginning for me to start building a sound foundation for my daughter and myself. I was able to clear my mind and get my priorities in order. And I have met some amazing people throughout the years. On this day five years ago I moved 2000+ miles away from my comfort zone, from all I knew. It was the best decision that I have ever made.

I plan to continue on this journey with my head held high and will continue to push through all obstacles, because my baby deserves nothing but greatness!

Be blessed!
Happy New Year!
Love.

The New Year is Upon Us!!

Now that Christmas is over, I've been picking up toys every day...well, more toys than usual. Christmas was pretty good. My baby was happy, and still understand what Christmas is really about. So, I did well. And it's almost time for me to go back to work....booooo! Except, I need the monies! With the unknown creeping up on me, I MUST put (AND KEEP) money into savings. I have faith that it will all work out, yes, but I also need to prepare myself. I will definitely have to cut back on my Target trips, and clearance racks will be my best friends! 

With Twenty-Thirteen two days away, I think I should start thinking about the changes I plan to make in the new year. Ok, so let's not call these resolutions....I tend to not stick with those....but I will call them the additions to the things I have already changed or improved. As stated above, SAVING will be my number one change.  I'm a big girl, so I shouldn't have a problem saving money. I have to stop using the "I'm a single mother" excuse.  Granted, I am the sole financial provider when it comes to the things my girl needs.  I still can still save. I am sure I will save tons if I don't buy junk food at work. 

Since I am all about changing things, I think I'm going to change my little blog. It seems so blah! We will see though,  I need to focus more on my classes.

In the mean time, have blessed New Year!!

Love.

Prepping for the Future

Now that I have time on my hands I have just been thinking, and trying to plan for the future. The crazy thing about that is that I have no clue as to how the future is planning to unfold for us. I won't know which schools I got into until April. Which reminds me, I need to get housing applications done for each school. Speaking of housing, I don't know where we will be living. I don't have much to furnish an apartment either. And I don't know where I will be working.

It's pretty scary. The unknown, that is. I am so excited for anything that's thrown my way! A new sense of identity and independence! My girl and I will be embarking on a new journey! She will be starting Kinder....again, don't know what school she will be attending. Everything will happen extremely fast! I will just register her here and go from there.

So, for the next few months I will be buying household things little by little, and preparing the girl for summer. All the while, saving.

This will be fun! Sometimes the unknown is good, right. Whatever happens, I will be prepared! But in the mean time, I wont worry about that and hang out with my girl and her elf, pop some popcorn and watch Arthur Christmas.

Love

End of THAT chapter!

Ahhhhh.....I am finally done with the semester! Sad to say, I just scrapped by. I didn't give it my all. I let life kick me. The beginning was full of worry with what was going on with my girl (seizures and tests to figure out why she had the seizures). I don't think I blogged about it....although most everyone close to me knows what happened.

Quick run down....

July 21....her birthday party day....she "woke up" unresponsive but breathing. Paramedics arrived and couldn't wake her up. She was sent to the local hospital where she sort of woke up but was clearly out of it. So they transferred us via ambulance to children's hospital, that is about 40 minutes away. While in route she has another 'episode'.....talk about a bumpy ride! Get to children's and she finally woke up completely and was ready to go home and party. We ended up staying the night. July 22....her actual birthday...she was so sad to be there and we nearly had to stay another night so they could continue watch her. But the nice doctor let us leave and she had a quick party with her best friend and cousins.

When she had her EEG they found abnormal brain activity....but her MRI was normal. The worry and testing and more worrying continued through the first four months of the semester.  You can't help but to think about all of the what-if's while waiting weeks to hear back about the results.  I think it was more scary to wait for the results than it was to see her in the state she was in during both episodes she had.

So that was 4 out of 5 of the months of my lovely fall semester. Now let us add in my random thoughts and my bouts of "woe it's me". I possibly ruined my chances of being accepted to my number one University that I want to transfer to. BOO ME! But I must pull up my big girl panties, and just remember, I have, not only myself, but my mini-me to pull through for. I have to work hard for her. I have to work hard for all of the people I want to help.  I can't change my situation (well, I could, but my life would really go into a downward spiral then) and I need to accept that.  Right now I am going to reboot, and get ready to push forward next semester.

In the mean time, I want to spend much time with my girl! So, today we made snowmen....she had fun, and made a mess! And since I will have nothing but time on my hands for the next two weeks, I will blog more! ;)

My snowman is on the left, and very sloppy. It was stepped on and knocked over so many times. And my girl, the arteest she is, made the one the right with the two huge eyeballs on random cotton balls. Prettiful, huh?!

LOVE

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Don't look back....you may run into something!

Our childhood childhood affects us in many different ways. As I do some soul searching ( something I do often) I learn new things about myself. I think it is important to constantly look within your self to be better than who you were yesterday. Many times we get caught up in OURSELVES and thinking we are the best we can be. But there is always room for change.

Now, during this soul searching time, I had some rough encounters within myself. All of the issues stemmed from my childhood. I have big plans educationally that not many people know about. I made some huge mistakes in my past that put a big dent in my educational goals. I thought about the mistakes I have made and began to think that I would never recover. Why am I even trying? The schools I am interested in will look at my transcripts and laugh in my face! I really should live in "reality", I grew up with much of nothing. We were far from well off. I will become my past....I will become nothing. And then the thoughts of loneliness. If my dad didn't want to he there for me, then no other man will be there for me. Who would I ever trust?

These thoughts began to consume me. If you say it enough, you begin to think it. But before I went to deep into these thoughts I looked at my daughter. My girl! She deserves the best! No matter how I grew up I must set the foundation of her life. When she's 25 I dont want her looking back on her mistakes and thinking she can't overcome them. Don't get me wrong, my past has built a tremendous amount of strength, my mom raised me to be strong and has always had my back regardless if she thought I was wrong or not, but my girl can't have a repeat of my life. She must have a unique story to tell....and for that to be possible I have to move forward and stop looking over my shoulder. My past is behind me, it has built me, but it won't bind me.

No matter what you are going through or have gone through it will not and can not define you! So don't look back....you may run into something! Looking back at the "accident" can only cause another "accident" in front of you.

Love.

On the Road Again

As a single mother, heck, as a mother or parent in general, we tend to lose ourselves sometime during our journey.  But thinking about it, I never really had a sense of self.  I have always found myself trying to figure out where I fit in, where I belong. After giving birth to my baby girl I picked up....wait for it....FEAR! I once lived my life just day by day, and really didn't care.  Now that I care, I get so caught up in the "What if this doesn't work out?!" mentality. This is something that applies to all aspects of my life...one aspect that is most applies to is my dating life, or lack thereof.  As I was encouraging my friend to get out there and meet new people she stopped me in my tracks. I knew what was coming. All I could say was "I know, I know." I don't put myself out there, I am well aware.  Many of my friends try to encourage me to put myself out there, though. From online dating (something I just don't think I could take seriously, although many of my friends met their husbands online.) to just getting all prettified and getting out of the house. But that's the problem, that's where I lost myself. I have never been the 'get all dressed up' type, but I was never the 't-shirt and blue jeans' type either.  And that is exactly who I've become. I am the momma you see out with her kid who is all fancy, but she's wearing a Target v-neck and jeans.

I am so afraid of meeting someone, getting serious, introducing him to Desi, and then something happens and we go our separate ways. And what if this happens several times? I just don't wan't to have too many men coming in and out of her life. Don't get me wrong, I will never introduce her to some ol' Joe Schmoe, but I know stuff happens and people grow apart or just don't work out. *See, you get a glimpse of how my crazy brain works.* 

Instead of being a crazy chick, I an going to try not to think about the "what if's" and just go with the flow.  In all aspects of life, it's very important to have a plan, but dwelling on tomorrow causes more stress than what it's worth.  

It's a new day, right? The first step is recognizing and admitting your problem, right?! But I know I'm not alone, so if you are one of those parents who have lost yourself when the kid(s) came about, take some time out of your day and do something you love. Find the true you! You can be you as well as being a great parent!

**Here's to some soul searching and finding me, and leaving the fear behind!**

Welcome to my Pity Party

You know when you want...better yet, NEED to cry? I call it The Great Release (Although that sounds wrong on some many different levels.)!!!  

Lately I have been in this slump. I don't want to go to work or school. I just want to sit in my room and sulk in sorrow.  I have been super stressed, and I have been thinking way too much! The good ole' "I should have..." kind of thinking.  Today was/is the day I just want to walk away.  

I am an extreme procrastinator, and with my slump it was beyond extreme procrastination. So I studied for a test last night and early this morning. I got to class and knew how to solve quite a few problems. But I had to leave class early. I emailed the instructor, and he actually emailed me back shortly after and said I failed the test, and getting an 'A' in the course is probably not going to happen. Considering that I AM a math major trying to get into Berkeley, it was like "hearing" that my pet died. It's my own fault. Even with having to leave early I should have worked faster. I would have taken a "C" and been okay with that. 

I have so much to do within the next couple of months, and I HAVE to have a car by May. Considering that I don't make much money, that may a wee bit difficult, but I will make it work. I have to go to all these workshops to prepare for transfer and research schools for my girl just in case we move. I am hoping to hear back about this internship that I applied for, also. 

It's time for me to remember why I do this....

Desi deserves soooooo much more than I had growing up! I need to suck it up...it's life. It gets stressful! And no one is perfect. That is something I must pound into my head. No one is perfect, no matter how much some people try to act as if they are. If I can't be strong for myself, I HAVE to be strong for her! I have to present my strength to her so she can grow to be a strong young lady.

Speaking of procrastination, I just remembered that I need to go and get my best a birthday gift! Her birthday is tomorrow.....

Shopping and self reflection is in order!

Son of a TWITCH!!

For a week now my eye has been twitching. It's driving me absolutely insane! I've been told to eat bananas, maybe the 4 or 5 I ate LAST weekend wasn't good enough. A few people mentioned that it could be stressed related. My first response was "I am not stressed." But that's a lie...

Everyday when I get home, my room is trashed. Sharing a room with a 4 year old is no fun! I just got home and legos were everywhere! So yes, my stress level is a little up there. The girl starts her first day of her last year of preschool on Monday. *tear* I am going to clean and organize her toys, so we shouldn't have any issues with toys everywhere once she starts school. And I think it's definitely time for a small chore chart. The realization of my BABY growing up is somewhat stressful, too.

Wednesday I sent my resume in for an internship....I am praying that works out! It requires a commute, but it will be an amazing experience if I get it! I also have to do my TAG application....it's a transfer agreement with one of the UC's...and I need to start working on my personal statements for all the other universities I am applying to. I also need to work on scholarships. So yep, I am a wee bit stressed.

I think I am about to pick up meditation. Wuuuuuuuuuu Saaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Straight forward!

Sometimes I wake up and think "Wow, I ruined my life." Not because I had a child, because she is the reason why I live, but because of the OTHER decisions I've made. Choosing a guy over school was the most ridiculous thing ever. I definitely created a detour in my life. I wasn't focused at all. Didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to be, and could care less at that point in my life. I was solely focused on one thing, and that was a guy.

My family is extremely awesome though, I pretty much always have a baby sitter. When I need them, they have my back, always. So technically I'm not completely alone in this. But I am so ready for that next step in my life! The point where I move out....The day when complete independence hits. Although, I don't expect it to be walk in the park.

The point of this isn't to really be a negative Nancy, but to get a point across...Haha.

As a single mom, life can be extremely stressful at times! *You know, I don't see how people can work soooo much and spend little time with their children. Cuddle time and kissies are very important to me.* Anywho, I am spending a lot less time at school and more time home this semester. I do think its helped my girl's behavior a little and sometimes she seems to still get separation anxiety or something. She's told my mom and I several times that she don't want me to go to work or school. :( But you know, considering the 100% financial responsibility that I have over her and my semi shopping addiction I have to what I have to do.

Sometimes I get stressed, overwhelmed, and sad....I get all of the above thoughts in my head...but then I think about our future. Where I want to be in a few years. I think about the life I want to provide Desi. The example I want to set for her.

My point? I know I am not the only single momma, or parent in general that gets stressed out, overwhelmed, and depressed. We will have our days, it's inevitable. But remember why you work so hard! Look at what you have accomplished, not what you could have or should have accomplished. Never get down on the things you could/should have done, but put your energy into the things you can do...what you WILL do!

And always follow your heart and listen to your instinct.

Second Chances

Monday was the beginning of an exciting, yet nerve wrecking academic year for me! I AM ABLE TO APPLY FOR UNIVERSITIES AGAIN!!!! It's like my senior year in high school all over again, except then I really didn't care....

This time though, I am feeling like a young child when summer is coming to an end and it's about time to go back to school!

Next year I will be starting a new chapter....it's kind of bittersweet. And Desi will be starting Kindergarten next year also. We will both be starting a new educational journey. *tear*

Luckily, I have a huge support team within my family and outside of my family, also. I have some amazing friends and faculty at school, who also are mentors, standing in my corner. This is a second chance at a better life. And I am way too excited about it!

Love Lost

So, I have been single going on 5 years at the end of October. Thinking about it, that's a long time... When the baby daddy and me got together back in the beginnings of 2005, everything felt different. Instead of going on and on about our up's and downs throughout our relationship lets just say love lost. Somewhere in 2007 there was a huge disconnect between the two of us. We both had a hand in it. Nearing the end of that year I decided to play a game. Say I am moving out of state (my mom had moved the year before). My thoughts were if I could just get him to say that he wanted me to stay, then I just knew he wanted to be with me. Knowing that we're both stubborn, I should have known that wouldn't work. So I bought my plane ticket.

It was real. I was moving across the country. But still, I wanted him to say he wanted me to stay. It would only be a plane ticket to come back after a week or two with the family. It still didn't work. So we argued a billion times, and finally in October we broke it off.

Out of anger I went and did things that I shouldn't have done a couple weeks after the break up. Btw, never do things out of anger...it's almost the same as making drunk decisions. But regardless, I couldn't get my ex out of my mind. I still wanted us to work. But I began to get really sick in December....sick enough to lose 20 lbs in a week. The ex tried to doctor me up....how sweet, right? What he chose to do with his life meant nothing to me, I was so in love. So I knew eventually he would say what I had been wanting him to say. It was coming, I just knew it! But nope, he never said it. I gave up.

I was still sick, so I went to the dreaded ER. After a few hours there...."you're pregnant" came out of the nurses mouth. After a few more hours and being transferred to the maternity ward I learned that I was two months pregnant with a floating bean in my belly. Tears. Tears. Tears. More tears, and a talk from one of the sweetest nurses ever, love was not lost. Love was found. Something clicked in my brain. I needed to fix my life and the way I thought about things.

The next day I told him. And that's when he said it. He said what I was wanting to hear for so many months! But, my decision was made. I needed to do what I felt was right for my bean. I needed to make things right for my little floating bean. The difference in lifestyle chooses between him and I made a huuuuuge impact. The whole pregnancy without him hurt so much. I wanted to say eff what I feel is right and do what society feel is right. I wanted to cave in to the emptiness I felt when I moved 2000+ miles away from him. But I needed to stay away. I had to. And we argued a lot more.

I wondered how it would impact Desi as she got older. Would she resent me? As of now, at 4 years old, she is perfectly fine. She loves her dad and little sister! No amount of miles would change that. But what happens from here is up to him. I've completely given up on any kind of relationship between him and I since the last argument.

Positivity has come out of the move....I am doing great in school and I am raising a respectful, smart, funny, and beautiful little girl. I actually haven't felt this good about myself in quite some time!

And lets not forget the totally awesome friends I have met! When things go awry I also have a shoulder to cry on.

Yesterday my bestie Morgi picked up Desi and me to go swimming in her backyard....which is the Delta. Me and large bodies of water don't mix, but I jumped in and stayed in for probably thirty minutes....although I was freaked out a little bit. But little Miss Desi stayed in for nearly three hours.

The experiences we've had here are some we wouldn't have ever had in KY. I regret nothing. And I've learned a lot about myself, being a grown up, and what it means to sacrifice as a parent.

Woman vs. Wild

This small city girl has never been hiking....up until today.  Thanks to one of my best friends, "Mountain Lady," I finally experienced my first trek up a mountain/ginormous hill and through the woods.

Black Diamond Mines is a really cool place! If you're ever in the East Bay Area check it out....but don't take small children. At least I wouldn't take mine...but I am pretty paranoid.

The thought of wild animals freaked me out all weekend, I got pumped up today, and then we pulled up and all I could think about was a possible mountain lion trying to eat my face. And I watch Animal Planet, I know rattle snakes can strike up to 6 feet away.  Those crazy thoughts quickly left my brain after we started walking. This girl is waaaaaay out of shape!  Mountain Lady left me in the dust a few times. It wasn't 'frah la la' as I once thought. It was pretty hardcore, especially for someone who definitely don't work out enough. When we made it to the top it was absolutely beautiful! By the way, I didn't suck in the beauty of it too much because I was way out of breathe!

After what felt like eternity to these legs of mine my Mountain Lady tried to cheer me up and tell me she was proud. *tear*

Oh but the pain doesn't end there.

When going down, up, and down again...just to get back to the bottom...we made it to a part where the trail wasn't so wide and a cliff was directly next to the trail. Let me tell you a secret....I AM AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!  I think the mental pain was way worse than the physical pain. My heart was racing so fast, probably faster than coming up the trail! I tried to focus on the trail itself, but I could see that huge drop from the corner of my eye. The drop seemed to stretch deeper and deeper...just like in the movies when the person looks down and the bottom seems so much further away...yeeeea.

After that part of the trail ended there was the rocky part. I found myself sliding down huge rocks just to get to the next step. Hanging on to trees so I wouldn't fall. You know, the cool stuff, just like I was Woman vs. Wild.

I didn't get too many photos of my first hiking experience, because I was just too exhausted and then afraid, and then exhausted again! I am so happy that I went though. I am on a mission to get healthier (although chocolate will never leave my life) and to get more in tune with nature. I am looking foward to next time.

Let's embrace wildlife...not literally, don't go hugging mountain lions...and nature, it's a beautiful thing!

Until next time friends!

Mic check, 1, 2, 1, 2!

I've been talking about blogging for a while now, but "never found the time." But guess who found a blogger app in the app store?! This girl!

So, the point of my blogging? Just to let it out, really...just jot down my journey for the world to see...I know I'm not the only single mama on a mission. I'm the mother of a VERY beautiful 4 year old daughter. She is definitely the pep in my step! I'm in school, going to a local community college in hopes to transfer to a university next year. I'm 25 and JUST figuring out what the heck to do with myself when I "grow up." I live with my mom, and have a great support system standing behind me! I am very much blessed! 

I have big dreams of an Ph.D, and a single family home with a large backyard! I am the sole provider of my baby girl and I hope to make her very proud one day, AND to buy her a car for her high school graduation. :)

I have much growth to experience as a child of God, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, student, and possible wife (one day, maybe). And you, my friend, will get to experience my journey to greatness ;) with me!

That's it for now; my allergies are kicking my butt!