It's June?

Love is inevitable. We are all loved and we all love someone or something. But when it comes to falling in love, things are so complicated. Right now I am feeling so confused.....

So, it's been a while. I haven't written anything publicly in months! Well, we're moved and fairly settled in. My Desi girl is doing fantastic in her new school! I have a part time job, with what seems like I bunch of children, but that's another post. I am enrolled into school to finally complete my bachelors, which hopefully won't take too long. The only issue with that is finances, but I won't stress over it. Spiritually I have grown so much since moving back, and I feel so much better mentally....I am much more at peace with myself. In the midst of all of this, I tried my hand in the online dating scene, and it was a bust. Well, not a complete bust, I think.

Back in January, with the push of one of my friends back in Cali, I joined a site because she wanted me to join "with" her. I did. She was meeting guys left and right, but I, on the other hand wasn't finding anyone who met my fancy. I was about to delete the account, but then a guy messaged me and I just felt like I should talk to him. We talked on the phone and via text for like a week, and he wanted to meet me, but I had excuse after excuse. And then I was ready, and the day of our meeting, he texted saying he couldn't come. I was pretty upset about it. We stopped talking as much over the next few weeks, and I wanted to pursue a long time friend. My feelings for this friend weren't mutual. Online Guy and I would randomly text here and there but nothing serious. He eventually started dating someone else, but it didn't work out. Through the miscommunication we both felt as though the other really didn't like us. We started talking a lot more a few weeks back, and finally met. 

The plan was to have lunch and see if there was chemistry. An hour to two hour lunch turned into a ten hour excursion. It was actually one of the greatest days I've had out on a date. A week later he came to see me (we don't live in the same town) at work. A couple of days later we went for a quick dinner because my daughter was with my grandmother. 

In the beginning I was really unsure about him, but as we talked more and spent time together, I really like him. He's a really cool guy. 

But, here's where the problem lies......

There has never been any talk of the possibilities of us ever being more than friends, so I kind of don't like to show my feelings. I don't want to put myself out there and be hurt in the end, but I don't want to push him away. A few days ago my sister mentioned meeting him and I told her no, and I told him about the conversation. He said something about me being embarrassed to bring him around and at he's invisible....so maybe that gave him the wrong idea. I wanted to talk to him tonight, but I am sort of feeling like he's been avoiding me. It could be insecurities on my part, but I'm just not sure. I want to just go with the flow. 

It just has me thinking about how complicated it can be when finding love. Sometimes the lines aren't clear, and you just don't know if you've found your love. I imagined myself knowing instantly, but I think the likelihood of that happening is very slim. 

I do hope, if anything, Online Guy and I can remain friends! 

Considering that this has been sitting in my notes for a few weeks, I can say, Online Guy and I are no longer friends. Since my friends have had pretty decent experiences with online dating, I went against my better judgement and tried it for myself.....it definitely doesn't work for everyone.


Love.

I feel so empty.

So, I 'be been needing to write for a few weeks now.  Since the last time, my mom has spent nearly a week in the hospital, and is needing around the clock attention.  To see my, pretty young, mom in the state that she's in is very difficult. I considered her to be a little judgmental and opinionated, but I absolutely loved to just be under her. See, I am the youngest of four girls. All of my sisters moved out while I was still fairly young, so it was just my mom and I for a while. I have always been a momma's girl.  Now we are unable to hold a real conversation with her. 

I deal with it the way that I deal with it.  I am very reserved and I keep my emotions to myself.  My sister view this as me "living life as if everything is normal," but it's just how I handle it. My sister's and I rotate caring for her, and we all work and/or taking classes.  I already feel like I am not home enough during the week, and I was trying to get my girl out and to the park as much as possible on the weekends, but now it seems like my sisters are looking at all the decisions I make through a microscope. I had a play date last Saturday and a birthday dinner that night, and then the following Sunday I had lunch with a friend who is going away to college. I then had work Monday morning, and my sister was so mad at me because I could do the 4am-11am shift with my mom.  So then, of course, I feel bad for the play date, dinner, and lunch I attended over the weekend. I feel like everything I say and do are being analyzed and critiqued because they feel like I am not doing enough. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.  I am having a very hard time working out my emotions, because generally they are all over the  place.  Most days I just want to sit in my room and away from everyone.  

I already needed to work on my patience with my girl, but now I am extremely short. I don't know how school is going to work out for me next semester, or the next year. I am wanting to move back KY (we all are moving back except one of my sister's and her daughter, so my mom can be close to the rest of our family) in December and try to get into the University for spring. I really want to finish school as soon as possible so I can provide a secure life for my daughter, but one of my sisters think it's a selfish move on my part.  I just don't know. No matter what I do, it just wont be good enough. 

I am so worried about school and finishing and getting a job so I can provide a good life to my girl, but I am now feeling heartless for thinking about myself and what I want/need to do for me and my daughter because my sister told me that she felt like I was being selfish. There's so much going on, and my mom's health declined so fast that I just can't really comprehend it all. I am becoming super stressed and a little depressed.  I just want to get away from everyone. I want to pick up my baby and just leave. I really want to disconnect and try to get my thoughts and emotions in order, but it's hard with school and motherhood.

I am trying to look at everything through a positive eye. I know it will all fall into place and work it's way out, as long as I ma not just sitting on my butt, but I just don't know when this will happen. And that's what I am afraid of....the unknown.

Love.

I was told by a customer at work that I am pretty. She was an older lady, but it still felt good to have someone compliment me. But it was also awkward because it was so random. I haven't been feeling too pretty lately, so that picked me up a wee bit. 

Since the semester has started for me it means more time away from my girl. Luckily, a good friend got her a used iPod for her birthday so we FaceTime on my long days.  It is very hard to wake up and get her ready for school, drop her off at her classroom, and know I won't be able to cuddle or play games with her until the following day. This week will suck because of that. Tomorrow is a short day, I just work. Tuesday is a long day, I get her ready and drop her off, and by the time I get home she is asleep. Wednesday I have to be at work at 7:30 am, so that means I won't be able o spend time with her until I get home from work, and then I have a night class. Thursday is another long day, but I am off on Friday. 

People always try to encourage me and remind me that it is only temporary, but it still doesn't make it better. It's still hard. I know it will pay off in the end, but it doesn't lighten the blow. While the ones who are always trying to remind me of how great it is for our (Desi and I) future they are able to tuck their kids in a night and/or be there for breakfast.

A couple more years, and hopefully I am done with HAVING to go to school AND work.

Love.

Time for a change.

I have been single for nearly 6 years. Before I found out that I was with child, the baby daddy and I had a huge break up. I haven't dated, wasn't really open to dating, and definitely was not looking. There have only been a few men that has caught my eye, but I never tried to pursue any of them.

One reason why I haven't put myself out there is because I have a daughter. I just don't want to have different men in and out of my life, and she think that's the way to live.....although, she wouldn't meet anyone I date unless I know it's something serious. But the main reason why I never put myself out there is because I lacked the confidence. I never really dress up, and barely buy myself nice things. I picked up quite a few pounds and really just let myself go.

I am not getting any younger.

I have decided to start putting more effort into looking nice and putting myself on the market again. There is no reason for me to continue on with this long drawn out pity party I have been having. Life happens, but I must keep pushing. I have learned that no one will love and respect me and I don't first love and respect me.

No excuses.
Time for a change.
Love.

I have been MIA

I have been in and out of this funk for the past 4ish months. Granted, my life could be way worse off, but it definitely has me down. My mom became very ill at the beginning of this year, and that alone did a number on me. I did not get accepted to any of the three schools that I had applied to. Desi randomly had another seizure. I haven't been working a lot lately, which means little income (and searching for another job hasn't been the easiest task). The whole task of being a single mom from doctors appointments to school shindigs to me having to leave her to go to school/work. And then, my baby started kindergarten! I don't know who the heck told her it's ok to grow up so fast, but I have to bone to pick with that person!

I have been struggling with the decision to move back to KY or not. This is big, and definitely something that I can't jump and do. It takes a lot of thought and planning. One part of me thinks it's a good idea and another part of me is saying shouting "DON'T DO IT!"

I have to consider the environment that my girl would be in.....is it worth it in the end? I don't know.

I am positive that life will become a little easier for me!

Love.

Rejection hurts....

I spent the past five months anticipating the next phase of my education. I knew for sure that I would be a step closer to finally finishing up my bachelors degree. Over the past two weeks everything unfolded. I would find out which university I would be transferring to, finally! I applied to three University of California campuses, and was rejected from ALL THREE!

WTFudge?!?!?

After receiving the first two rejection letters I had to dig deep and find out why. Apparently, I have too many units. I feel as if I wasted so much time. But after much thought, it wasn't a waste of time. I have come up with new plans, and will be applying to other schools for spring of next year. After some pretty depressing days, I have come up with other plans. First thing first; find another job. After May 24 I will be out of work. :( But I have been applying over the past week. I know something has to come up soon!

Never give up on your dreams! If one thing doesn't work try something new. Rejection hurts, but it's not the end of your journey.

Love.

I growed!

"I can't believe you've already lost a tooth, and have another growing in!"
"Because I growed!"
"Well stop."

That's one of our latest conversations! I just can't believe how much Desi has grown! Emotionally, this year has kicked me....and it's only April. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life. I believe, because Desi is getting older, and I haven't reached my educational goals yet, I feel a little less than as a mom. I KNOW that I am working towards something great, but with all of recent her milestones hitting, it's just gotten me down.

Hopefully, this funk that I am in passes soon!

Love.