I feel so empty.

So, I 'be been needing to write for a few weeks now.  Since the last time, my mom has spent nearly a week in the hospital, and is needing around the clock attention.  To see my, pretty young, mom in the state that she's in is very difficult. I considered her to be a little judgmental and opinionated, but I absolutely loved to just be under her. See, I am the youngest of four girls. All of my sisters moved out while I was still fairly young, so it was just my mom and I for a while. I have always been a momma's girl.  Now we are unable to hold a real conversation with her. 

I deal with it the way that I deal with it.  I am very reserved and I keep my emotions to myself.  My sister view this as me "living life as if everything is normal," but it's just how I handle it. My sister's and I rotate caring for her, and we all work and/or taking classes.  I already feel like I am not home enough during the week, and I was trying to get my girl out and to the park as much as possible on the weekends, but now it seems like my sisters are looking at all the decisions I make through a microscope. I had a play date last Saturday and a birthday dinner that night, and then the following Sunday I had lunch with a friend who is going away to college. I then had work Monday morning, and my sister was so mad at me because I could do the 4am-11am shift with my mom.  So then, of course, I feel bad for the play date, dinner, and lunch I attended over the weekend. I feel like everything I say and do are being analyzed and critiqued because they feel like I am not doing enough. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.  I am having a very hard time working out my emotions, because generally they are all over the  place.  Most days I just want to sit in my room and away from everyone.  

I already needed to work on my patience with my girl, but now I am extremely short. I don't know how school is going to work out for me next semester, or the next year. I am wanting to move back KY (we all are moving back except one of my sister's and her daughter, so my mom can be close to the rest of our family) in December and try to get into the University for spring. I really want to finish school as soon as possible so I can provide a secure life for my daughter, but one of my sisters think it's a selfish move on my part.  I just don't know. No matter what I do, it just wont be good enough. 

I am so worried about school and finishing and getting a job so I can provide a good life to my girl, but I am now feeling heartless for thinking about myself and what I want/need to do for me and my daughter because my sister told me that she felt like I was being selfish. There's so much going on, and my mom's health declined so fast that I just can't really comprehend it all. I am becoming super stressed and a little depressed.  I just want to get away from everyone. I want to pick up my baby and just leave. I really want to disconnect and try to get my thoughts and emotions in order, but it's hard with school and motherhood.

I am trying to look at everything through a positive eye. I know it will all fall into place and work it's way out, as long as I ma not just sitting on my butt, but I just don't know when this will happen. And that's what I am afraid of....the unknown.

Love.

I was told by a customer at work that I am pretty. She was an older lady, but it still felt good to have someone compliment me. But it was also awkward because it was so random. I haven't been feeling too pretty lately, so that picked me up a wee bit. 

Since the semester has started for me it means more time away from my girl. Luckily, a good friend got her a used iPod for her birthday so we FaceTime on my long days.  It is very hard to wake up and get her ready for school, drop her off at her classroom, and know I won't be able to cuddle or play games with her until the following day. This week will suck because of that. Tomorrow is a short day, I just work. Tuesday is a long day, I get her ready and drop her off, and by the time I get home she is asleep. Wednesday I have to be at work at 7:30 am, so that means I won't be able o spend time with her until I get home from work, and then I have a night class. Thursday is another long day, but I am off on Friday. 

People always try to encourage me and remind me that it is only temporary, but it still doesn't make it better. It's still hard. I know it will pay off in the end, but it doesn't lighten the blow. While the ones who are always trying to remind me of how great it is for our (Desi and I) future they are able to tuck their kids in a night and/or be there for breakfast.

A couple more years, and hopefully I am done with HAVING to go to school AND work.

Love.

Time for a change.

I have been single for nearly 6 years. Before I found out that I was with child, the baby daddy and I had a huge break up. I haven't dated, wasn't really open to dating, and definitely was not looking. There have only been a few men that has caught my eye, but I never tried to pursue any of them.

One reason why I haven't put myself out there is because I have a daughter. I just don't want to have different men in and out of my life, and she think that's the way to live.....although, she wouldn't meet anyone I date unless I know it's something serious. But the main reason why I never put myself out there is because I lacked the confidence. I never really dress up, and barely buy myself nice things. I picked up quite a few pounds and really just let myself go.

I am not getting any younger.

I have decided to start putting more effort into looking nice and putting myself on the market again. There is no reason for me to continue on with this long drawn out pity party I have been having. Life happens, but I must keep pushing. I have learned that no one will love and respect me and I don't first love and respect me.

No excuses.
Time for a change.
Love.

I have been MIA

I have been in and out of this funk for the past 4ish months. Granted, my life could be way worse off, but it definitely has me down. My mom became very ill at the beginning of this year, and that alone did a number on me. I did not get accepted to any of the three schools that I had applied to. Desi randomly had another seizure. I haven't been working a lot lately, which means little income (and searching for another job hasn't been the easiest task). The whole task of being a single mom from doctors appointments to school shindigs to me having to leave her to go to school/work. And then, my baby started kindergarten! I don't know who the heck told her it's ok to grow up so fast, but I have to bone to pick with that person!

I have been struggling with the decision to move back to KY or not. This is big, and definitely something that I can't jump and do. It takes a lot of thought and planning. One part of me thinks it's a good idea and another part of me is saying shouting "DON'T DO IT!"

I have to consider the environment that my girl would be in.....is it worth it in the end? I don't know.

I am positive that life will become a little easier for me!

Love.

Rejection hurts....

I spent the past five months anticipating the next phase of my education. I knew for sure that I would be a step closer to finally finishing up my bachelors degree. Over the past two weeks everything unfolded. I would find out which university I would be transferring to, finally! I applied to three University of California campuses, and was rejected from ALL THREE!

WTFudge?!?!?

After receiving the first two rejection letters I had to dig deep and find out why. Apparently, I have too many units. I feel as if I wasted so much time. But after much thought, it wasn't a waste of time. I have come up with new plans, and will be applying to other schools for spring of next year. After some pretty depressing days, I have come up with other plans. First thing first; find another job. After May 24 I will be out of work. :( But I have been applying over the past week. I know something has to come up soon!

Never give up on your dreams! If one thing doesn't work try something new. Rejection hurts, but it's not the end of your journey.

Love.

I growed!

"I can't believe you've already lost a tooth, and have another growing in!"
"Because I growed!"
"Well stop."

That's one of our latest conversations! I just can't believe how much Desi has grown! Emotionally, this year has kicked me....and it's only April. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life. I believe, because Desi is getting older, and I haven't reached my educational goals yet, I feel a little less than as a mom. I KNOW that I am working towards something great, but with all of recent her milestones hitting, it's just gotten me down.

Hopefully, this funk that I am in passes soon!

Love.

Disciplinary Action

I took a small hiatus....well, like a month. I'm constantly working on myself, and bettering myself and giving my baby a good life.

The biggest thing I've been going through lately is discipline.....oh.my.gracious. I am trying to stop yelling...again. I am the parent who threatens, but doesn't follow through 90% of the time. Desi likes to push my buttons...a lot. Anything to get a reaction out of me. So, a few things that I am working on, and truly believe will be what helps me to raise a respectful young lady are:

1) Carefully pick my battles.
2) Follow through with punishments.
3) No yelling.
4) Take a breather, if needed....you know kids can really get you worked up and angry.

I really don't want to be the mom who has the child that no one wants to be around. And I just want her to respect me.

Do you have any pointers?! Share them!!!

Night Time Blues

Something's got to give....EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT Desi get's SUPER excited. She is a ball of energy that doesn't want to rest. No matter what I have to do, she will not just lay down and watch tv, listen to music, or sit in silence. She just go, go, go!!

After four and a half years you would think that I have this parenting thing figured out, but I don't. We share a room, and our room is where I do homework, relax....live. Our room is like my living space, since we live with quite a few other people. When I am home I rarely leave the room, but some things are going to have to change! She starts Kinder in like 6-7 months (still not sure what school she is going to, so not sure when she will be starting), and ideally I would love to be able to go to sleep early....but realistically, that will not happen on many nights. I have tons of homework and a kid to tend to.

Organization. Schedules. Time Management.

Those are all bad words! Those words are NOT allowed to be used around here! 

Clearly, we see the problem. I don't utilize any of those words. Ever. But I am thinking it's time. I think it will help our nights go over smoothly, and get the girl prepared for the Kinder Life. As much as I would like to get things finished before Desi hit the sheets, I am thinking it may not be the greatest of ideas.  Take tonight for instance; I left at 6:30 am and didn't get home until 8:00ish. She wanted my time. I am actually feeling quite guilty/sad/neglectful after thinking about this. She NEEDS my time. I pushed her wants and needs to the side to finish up some scholarship stuff. Granted, we played a little, but it wasn't enough. She stayed home sick again today (stayed with my mom), and was thrilled when I walked through the door. While I was filling out a form and looking up tuition/fees, she was bouncing around EVERYWHERE. No amounts or tones of "Sit down!" would suffice. Again, it was a time that she needed me. We cuddle nearly every night. Had I put MY business away for about 30 minutes, I probably could have savaged what nerves I had left.

Over the next month I will work hard on getting organized, making and sticking to a schedule, and managing my time. Hopefully it will calm my little Tasmanian devil down (she's seriously like the cartoon character...just all over the place). I am hoping and praying that in the next month I can say that I no longer have to deal with the night time blues.

Goodnight.
Love.

A little cold.

Monday I decided to take Desi and my nephew to the park. I decided to wash my hair before I went, but little did I know, IT WAS FREEZING! Ok, a little exaggeration there....it WAS in deed cold. The wind was blowing pretty hard, so not only was my head cold, but I couldn't study.  We spent only about 30 minutes there, but by the time we got home we were sniffling. Tuesday's are my "all day days" where I spend the whole day at work and school, and when I got home Desi said "I was sneezing ALL DAY at school!". ME TOO! I hate sneezing, and I hate when people around me sneeze....it's gross. Thousands of germs traveling at about 100 miles an hour (which is around 147 feet per second).

She's now a snotty mess. I think I will keep her home today.  One thing that drives me extremely nuts is when people send their sick kids to school/day care. I will spare you that rant.

Meanwhile, I finished my homework that's due tonight last night. Long story short, I'm an extreme procrastinator. Usually the work gets done about an hour or so before I have to leave for class. Let me tell you how great it feels to be able to just lay here and do nothing right now! I think I will take a nap even, or do some Calc homework.

Enough of my randomness for the day. The girl is no longer in sight, and is too quiet. Anyone with kids know that a quiet 4 year old is probably a bad thing.

Happy Hump Day!
Love.

Nothing Special!

Wow, I haven't posted in a while.

As I sit here and type my child is laying here, crying, for unknown reasons. No, she's not hurt. She's not in any pain. She's just moody. She took a ton of toys into my mom's room, and my mom told her to take them out....and then, my friends, is when the moodiness started. She got so mad that she threw away her dress up shoes. Yea, she's not getting those back.....someone needs to learn to manage her anger better than that!

I have been pretty busy with school, and trying to keep up with all of these deadline dates. I have a planner, and always forget that I have a planner, so I never use it, which in turn causes me to forget EVERYTHING! I think I will start carrying it around in my hand rather than in my purse or bag.

I am trying to not stress myself about school and transferring ..although, it is hard not to stress about it. It will be a huge thing for both Desi and I. Big changes! I am excited, yet nervous at the same time. I will share all of that news at the end of April when I get some news myself.

I have a Political Science quiz on Tuesday, and had an Calculus exam last week. I didn't do so swell on that exam, so I plan to spend more time in the math lab and Barnes & Nobles for studying purposes. The girl has no school tomorrow because of Presidents Day, so I may stay home and just go to the park with some note cards to study.

I hope everyone is enjoying this nice long weekend!

"....take better care of me!"

I have been dealing with a sick child for nearly a week now. Apparently this horrible virus is going around (I even have friends who kids have suffered from this virus and they live throughout the states....it reminds me of the movie Contagion), and somehow Desi picked it up.  Classes started last week and I spend my Tuesdays and Thursdays away from home all day, so I had to leave her home yesterday. While I was gone she told my niece, and I quote, "My Momma need to take better care of me!".  Let's just note that she is four, and four year old's don't hold back, they say whatever is on their mind. Okay, let's add the fact that she is a mini diva and has lots of attitude, so I can only imagine her tone of voice when she said it.  I felt bad for having to leave her all day, but classes just started, I had to work, and I knew she was taken care of.

I am hoping that she'll be on the mend by the end of the week so she can get back to school.  Not to mention that she'll be her normal self and up to her crazy antics again.  

Hopefully this virus doesn't spread beyond what it already has! 
Stay healthy! And follow my blog, I finally figured out how to put the "Join this Site" button!

Love.

Slow down. Be grateful.

Over the past few days I have been wanting to blog, but nothing was placed on my heart. Nothing blog worthy, anyway. On my way to work I was thinking about gratefulness, and how we tend to take the very small things for granted. Well, this is how the words for my blog began to come together.....

Me: Are you a kid?
Desi: No, I'm a teenager.
*but let us remember that she is only FOUR and as we go back and forth, and it only continued*
Me: No, you should enjoy being a preschooler.
Desi: I'm not a preschool! I'm, uuuuh, what is it called?
Me: High schooler?
Desi: YES!!!

Now, you're probably wondering what in the world this crazy conversation, with a crazy four year old has to do with ANYTHING! This isn't the first time she's claimed to be a teenager, and it isn't the first time I've told her to enjoy being a kid. She's only four, but I want her to always remember to ENJOY being a kid!

Like Desi, many times we try to zoom through life, taking the small things for granted. We may not purposefully take those things for granted, but we do. Take some time and slow down. Enjoy the people you love. Show love to those close to you. Take time out to say "Thank you God/Universe/Life/(whatever you believe in) for __________." Fill that blank in with the things you never really think about.....oxygen, eyes, gravel, grass, nose, mouth, hair, fingernails, internet, rainbows, lady bugs...ANYTHING, just anything that you never really think twice about, but you enjoy. Just slow down, be grateful, and enjoy life.

Everyday Desi teaches me something new. My girl is my heart, and I am oh so grateful for her! She was placed in my life to change it.

Be grateful.
Love.